Lost

Dear Space-above-my-head,

All I ever want is to be happy. To go through everyday with a big smile on my face, to love my job like it's the best thing that ever happened. No, I don't want to change the world and such but I'd love to travel the world. I finally understand that living in the moment is not something to be really proud of and at the same time not something to be ashamed of, but that planning for a life ahead can do wonders. Now, I'm not depressed but I'm sad, angry, frustrated and irritated with myself that I didn't plan ahead. By living so much in the moment that I forgot to plan for the future; not a plan for when I'm 50 and I'll live on my retirement fund (yeah right), but what-I'd-like-to-be-doing-when-I'm-25-above. At least to get out of my parents' hair. And to top it all, Google promptly informs me that I'm going through a quarter life crisis.

Quarter life crisis: Experienced in one’s twenties, involving anxiety/fear/confusion over the direction and quality of one’s life.

So that. I tried putting together a list of what I want to do, but I couldn't get past two points and I got distracted, as always. I've found it so tough to concentrate on most tasks, unless it involves reading or cooking. Even this post started at 9.30 pm, it's 11.34 pm and I'm still working on it. (Back to rant, back to rant.)

It should be about me right? MY future, MY life, MY money etc. But it's not. My meagre salary is not going to help fill all the loans but it is something. And the experience that I need to shift to a job that I've always wanted and that will happen only if I stick to one thing. And whether I like it or not (now, I mean) I will get married. Let's face it, there's no escaping that. So it'd really suck if I was still confused career-wise and that might bring out all the imbalances.

But most of all, I should be happy, right? Happiness counts. And yes it's like a butterfly that rests on your shoulder when you're not chasing after it, but shouldn't you really chase after what you want?

I'm just drowning in self-doubt really. Someone just put me out of my misery and tell me what to do. Or don't. This is one decision I have to make for myself.

Love,

Apoorva