Why you need to go to Ambattur by a share auto before you get married

(Roughly inspired by http://www.indiahikes.in/blog-section/trek-blogs/trek-dates/. Please read this link before proceeding with this post.)

As much as I want to travel, I haven't been able to. So worldly experiences are replaced with my cityly experiences, please excuse. I will however focus on Chennai (Madras) for now.

So getting back to the topic. I know you're getting married, there's no need to hide that. I know that in all probability I will not be invited (going by the number of classmates who chose not to, it's a no brainer). I'm basing my theory on the number of "makeup pages" and "photography pages" you have liked and all the new friends you have added via your partner-to-be, which are clogging up my feed as I write. 

Forget treks or scuba diving together or even the task, which is doing the rounds on Twitter, of asking the to-be-significant other to work on a slow broadband connection. An auto ride to Ambattur, nay, a share auto ride to Ambattur is a wonderfully efficient way to check if your partner is worth marrying. Take that ride in May for a really challenging task.

1. Is your partner capable of travelling by public transport? Because it requires skill and only seasoned public transport users can master it. It requires discipline, to stay in the same autorickshaw even if a sweaty, hairy person shoves their elbows on your face. He/she has to stay put, there's no looking back. (There better not be.)

2. Does your partner complain? A share auto ride is not easy. Imagine 14 people packed in a vehicle that should only accommodate 8 people (excluding the driver). Is your partner complaining from the word go? If he/she finds fault with the difficulty of Chennai roads, the other passengers in the auto to the torn seats that are missing the spongy cushions but instead have cold metal rods, which is the only cool comfort you'll ever get in May in Chennai, then I'm sorry to inform you that life with them is going to be similar.

3. Does your partner cooperate and adjust if there is no space to breathe, let alone sit in the auto? 9 out of 10 times you would've had a co-passenger almost sitting on your lap. If your partner cooperates, then they have a kind heart. (Bless them.) Bonus points if they offer their lap as sitting space.

4. Does your partner make the best of situations? On a share auto ride sometimes things go out of control. Someone will feel thirsty and will drink water, which is when the driver will decide to go over potholes and the water may spill on the person sitting opposite (hint: your partner). What does your partner do in such situations? Reach out and slap? Yell and complain? Or remain cool and composed? Your ideal partner is the person who chooses option C. C for cool and composed (see what I did there). If they manage to laugh it off, you have a winner.

5. Does your partner make small chat with the other people in the share auto? Are they "alone" even when surrounded by people? We all value our alone time but mingling with passengers in the share auto is important. It represents the people who walk into our lives, the ones who will be part of our social world. If they're only showing you their Facebook updates and taking selfies to Instagram it later when they are outdoors, they will be a pain indoors (ugh, not that way you sicko).

6. Are they considerate? Imagine a situation wherein someone throws a chocolate wrapper on the auto floor. Does your partner pick it up, keep in their bag to throw it in a dustbin later? Do they talk sweetly to the driver? If they see someone feeling low, do they offer kind words of comfort and solace? If you check all the boxes, congratulations! You have found yourself a thoughtful partner. 

7. Can your partner restrain himself/herself? A share auto ride is indeed a life changing experience, especially during May. When one is dehydrated and almost everything near seems like pools of water and one doesn't reach out thinking they're bottles of water, it shows that the person is patient, kind and mature. Qualities one needs in a stable marriage.

I hope these points have been useful in selecting a suitable partner. Forget trek dates, share auto dates are the in thing now. If it's the former, you have to ask prior permission from your boss, mother, father, pet etc to take a break. Then your dates have to match and these days jadagams are easier to match. After dates come the amount of money required to spend for these treks and the preparation involved is another task by itself. 

A share auto ride, fortunately, costs you nothing, doesn't require a week and maybe only very little preparation (it's all in the mind, you see).

Make share auto dates popular among the youth. (Actually, I have seen numerous couples spending time with each other in a share auto.) They also help single people find their potential others*. 

So go on take that ride for it may change your life.

* Conditions apply

Not letting this go

I'm writing this while I sit in my rain soaked clothes. Primarily because I'm *that* pissed and I don't want to let go of this anger. What happened is as follows:

It was just starting to rain or rather drizzle when I left work. As a person who dislikes getting wet (in the rain), I took the chance of riding back home. Halfway through (somewhere around Chintadripet) the rains stopped. Once I reached Nungambakkam, it started pouring heavily. Here I have to mention that I didn't take my helmet to work today nor did I carry a raincoat/jacket but I did have the sense to wear old rubber chappals to work.

So getting back to where I was, I'm trying to see through my rain-stained glasses to ride carefully on the road when I hear someone speak incessantly. Trying to concentrate on the road I ignore the voice that seemed to be getting louder and closer. Curious, I turn to my right to see a fellow commuter speak something. Ignoring him to be yet another talker on his bluetooth I inch forward. But no. The guy comes closer and mouths something that goes along the lines of me being wet and extremely sexy and if I'm interested in him. For a minute I'm left wondering what just happened. But, I quickly regain sense of what he just said and I speed up to catch him and yell in the choicest of Tamil cuss words. I must've done enough damage to his family and to him when he turns back, smirks and speeds away. This pissed me off to no end so I rode like a mad person (in hindsight it might seem like a stupid thing to do with the slippery roads and all) and caught up with him again and swore like a fisher woman. Of course, he with his powerful bike overtakes me and leaves.

Now this isn't a one-off incident. Three days back (when it wasn't raining) I'm riding back home again when a guy stealthily follows me and yells "nice black bra!" and overtakes. Though I'm not quite flattered with his compliment, I still catch up to have a conversation and yell "Fuck off, suck my dick" (a la Tina Fey) simply because I was too enraged to think of anything else. Other words did however enter my mind, seconds later. Also, this incident happened again in Nungambakkam.

My point: Why is it that you guys cannot keep it in your pants? Why can't you focus on the road and not on a girl? I know my bra is showing and I know that it is indeed stylish, but if you intended it to be a compliment then let it sound that way. Not like you're sexually harassing me (verbally). And what am I supposed to do if my clothes get wet or if my bra is showing? Do I concentrate on the road or on my appearance (that I'm hardly bothered about unless I'm on a date or attending a function or just never)? Or do you want me to borrow Harry Potter's cloak of Invisibility and wear it ALL THE TIME? If that's the case then please ask Harry and explain the situation because I think he'd be kind enough to oblige.

We also look. At cute guys, at hot guys. But we control it, don't we? Do we go behind them and make them feel violated? We have desires too. If we can control it, so can you. Practise it. Any stare that makes me uncomfortable should be accounted for by you, you creep.

Guys (the creepy kind), if you want to wank off I suggest you take a look at porn or find a girl who'd be willing. Not me. Not women who want to be left alone. But if you do try funny business with me, be willing to endure taunts and cuss words that'll be thrown your way because I'm not one to ride the other way when you yell "variya?" to me. No sir. I'm going to follow and catch up with you, take you to the police if necessary and make sure you wish you'd never spoken to me like that. Because I've done this before and I'm not afraid.

Be warned.

A platonic, hidden love

Is it possible to love a city, which I once disliked? A city which I preferred for shopping and small visits. A city which wooed me with its variety of restaurants and nightlife (OK, restricted nightlife). I vehemently declared that I'd be back once my course gets over and there were times when I complained that Bangalore wasn't Chennai and that life here was absolutely boring. (Of course, it helps my cause that I've been removed from the city and I reside a good 20 km away from it) 

Now, however, I've slowly started to like Bangalore. I'm suddenly OK with finding work in Bangalore, because let's face: what's life without a change? 

There's something enticing about Bangalore: long walks at Malleswaram, crispy dosais at MTR and Kengeri, idli, sambar, upittu and coffee at Press Club, buying books wherever I find them, and I find them everywhere! (I end up buying more than I can carry sometimes and I can never have enough books!) street shopping for clothes and shoes, buying magazines and going broke for the rest of the month. 

Hell, I'm enjoying the bus rides from KR Market to my college! You know how KR Market can be with those cows taking up the entire stretch of the road to themselves while they nonchalantly *do their business* - all this whilst chewing cud. 

On the other hand there's the Victoria Hospital with people scurrying about here and there, vendors with their fruit and flower baskets spitting paan on the road (no matter where it lands!), and big buses having no concern for the common man's plight - ready to ram you in a second.

All this makes a city what it is: livable, busy, noisy, full of life. 


Bangalore, you'll never be like Chennai, but I love you all the same.