It's all in the mind

Your eyes are tired and so is your brain. They probably want you to sleep more than you do. But your mind, it is the culprit. It keeps you awake than you should be. Voices circle in your head; they go back and forth. You lie awake wondering why it happened even though you know exactly why and what happened. You then wonder why it happened to you and then are momentarily distracted by the problems faced by starving children in Somalia or even those at the end of your street. The aged woman who begged for money at the traffic signal and the girl who got raped in a remote part in India come to your mind. You whisper a silent prayer and then think: to each his/her own. Unfair, but valid. You get up and write. Write, to erase the pain and the extreme sadness in your heart. But the words don't pour out of your fingers and onto your phone as they did easily from your mind to your sub conscious. You are aware of what is going on, wide awake and cursing your mind of sabotaging your sleep. There's nothing you can do but perhaps clutch your pillow and gently rock yourself to a deep sleep. A futile promise, it does sound good nevertheless.

You do finally sleep, but it's three hours later when the birds have started to chirp and gentle sunlight streams through your window and hits your face urging you to wake up because sleep, beautiful sleep, is nothing but a farce. A lie that helps us calm down when nothing is alright. "I'll sleep on it," you say, when you have to make a tough decision but have no idea what you're going to. When you want to put things off, hoping to be in the clear when you wake. Unfortunately, none of that happens. Because time, my friend, has gained in that blink of a situation. You have lost, but you are none the wiser. The cycle repeats again and you are left staring at the darkness, hoping to see some light. You do finally see, because it is morning again. And you haven't slept.

On running

You know what should actually get a bad rap? (no, it's not rep. I checked.) Raping, sexism, stealing, anger... Instead, running has suddenly become a vice. I write to dispel that wayward notion that has been put into your heads.

Running has increasingly become my go-to choice for comfort, second only to anything chocolate. Music and books, I see you to(w)o. At this point forget everything you've heard about running and by that I mean, "ew so sweaty," to "In Chennai and outside? Har har, good luck," or "You wear sports bra no? Or two normal bras?" or even "Carry pepper spray I say, like dumbbells but with protection." Clean slate? OK, now listen to me.

Running is like therapy, but costs less and only involves you. Two, if you count your iPod. There are days when I've had to take decisions - some tough, some easy but equally tormenting - and I've always turned to running for an answer. It hasn't disappointed me, yet. I'm going to go out on a limb and say - running is a state of mind; it relieves stress and makes one feel good about oneself, while making you sweat. (Haven't you heard of "comes with a price?")  I've made better decisions after a run and I'm almost always happy with them. I've had my terrible days as well, but who doesn't? I have to admit, I did start running with an aim to lose weight and so far that hasn't happened. Surprise, surprise. But what I am amazed by it is for something that involves frantic movement, the end result is quite calm. Like charming opposites that attract.

I know many of you think that running borders on masochism, a concept that also explains why some women wear high heels, and yes your body does hurt but I have an analogy that might fit the bill. You know how when you really want to pee and you have to hold it for long but when you do finally relieve yourself, the feeling is out of the world? This is quite similar to that. Of course, I'm not suggesting you actually hold your pee all the time. Or consider slaving over a dish that you've been making for hours and the end product looks like it is right out of the Food52 kitchen. Or a story/website that you've been working on but what you end up with is something you've never imagined because it's too perfect to be explained. That. Running itself is perfect.

The beautiful thing about running with my headphones on is that I truly believe I can do anything. It gives me a sense of what life would be like with the right background music. Perfect.

But what do I like most about running? The fact that there are more than a dozen Pinterest boards to endorse it.

Good news, somewhat - 2

Remember the whole offer from two companies? Well, both of them HAD to get back to me today with their formal offers. And I have made a decision. Former. (Go check my earlier posts if you want to make head or tail out of this.) And some people are pissed by this. I know it's not conventional, to give it a tag; but it'll be different. I hope and I know. 6 months OK? If I fail I'll come back. But I won't. I want to do something different and what's wrong with that? Why must one always take the safer route? What happened to following Frost's poem in real life? Why should it stop with just reading and understanding?

23 things about turning 23

As long as I'm distracted, procrastinating and listening to jazz I might as well document this before it's too late. Who knows I might turn 24 in another 11 months!

1. The most obvious one goes first: Being a girl and seeing almost everyone on your FB getting married, I was swamped with pictures and updates. That's OK, because I didn't succumb to pressure. Just keep your head up and walk away, but don't forget to stop and appreciate the pictures!

2. I realized who my *real* friends are. Not just the ones who can make time for you, but the ones with whom you can be comfortably silent. Even if you go by long periods without talking, you both know where to start.

3. The big C affected my life in a big way: career. Changes things a lot. Currently being self-employed (my friend asked to me change it instead of half-employed) makes me appreciate the fact that a job is worth having. You may crib, rant and rave about it, but trust me it's worth having one; let's you take the focus off other problems.

4. Travel, travel, travel! Enough has been written, spoken and discussed about it. So travel when you can (this applies a LOT to me). I firmly believe that one shouldn't settle down before one has seen quarter of the world at least. Life experiences are a must.

5. I got my heart broken, and not just necessarily by the opposite sex. What I thought was real only got shattered, friends who seemed trustworthy showed their true colors.

6. Discovered that I'm an awesome wingwoman. Period.

7. Also realized that it's tough for me to say no to people I care about. Don't ask me why, but it's definitely not because I want to please people. I just love them way too much.

8. After being in an unrewarding friendship for 4 years, I realized I *can* be as patient as, to mildly put it and no offence, nature. In that period, I wasn't all that short tempered, rash and hasty as I used to be. I've learned to be patient for the good and also sometimes during wrong situations (which I'm trying to remedy)

9. Some people, no most people, aren't worth it.

10. I've made peace with my past, which in turn has worked out to my benefit! I've accepted things as they are, especially in tense situations. When you embrace it, nothing can worry you!

11. Hostel life has taught me a lot. Late night parties, talking with friends, soul searching conversations during power cuts, getting high, losing weight, falling in love with a new city and its dosais and all that will always remain in my memory. I don't know about friends for life, but there are a couple of them who I believe I will walk a long distance with.

12. I think I've finally found what I want to do. My passion and a way to earn my daily bread: Writing. I know I'm not that all that great, my blog doesn't have a million followers neither does my Twitter account, but there are some kind people out there who love the way I write and that's enough.

13. Sometimes people want to help you, no matter how much you dissuade them from doing so. I've tried arguing with them, but they refuse to budge. But I guess that's all right.

14. I have also found a person who patiently listens to me and then disagrees with me, a person who tries not to get angry with me but then has that moment where the person loses control, and then gets back to normal and forgets all about it, a person who smothers me with affection and encourages me to talk about whatever bothers me (and then advises me) and a person who cracks insane-but-bearable mokkais.

15. Started to jog and trying to keep a routine in place. I miss it on some days but I try to keep up.

16. Even if it's a cliche, travelling alone is a revelation even for short distances. For instance, I made a bus-friend, a Manipuri who loves Tamil films! Our bus got delayed by 3 hours and we reached Chennai by 1 am. Helped her get a cab and saw to it that she reached home safe. Now if that's not an adventure, I don't know what is!

17. I love my mother with each passing day and I miss my father (even though we fight a lot and end up yelling at each other, him at me more than the other way around). My sister is one of the funniest and beautiful persons I'll ever meet.

18. Strangers make an impact. While covering a story, mother of the subject was shocked to learn that I had left music after 6 years and urged me to take it up.

19. I've realized that books are my greatest comfort and are only the permanent inheritance I can pass on to my children/near and dear ones.

20. I have mixed reactions about children and I don't know if I want to have in the near future. Pets are a bigger and firmer no.

21. I absolutely adore cooking, especially for others. When it comes to me I'm really lazy to get up and make something. But if anyone else is hungry or wants to something to eat, I find myself whipping something up for them. Gives me the greatest joy!

22. As much as I'm a tomboy in certain aspects, I'm a total girl in others. Like shoes and bags (maybe not designer ones but cheap imitations are good enough for now).

23. Life's too short to have a grudge, a drink can solve most problems, laughing at myself is fun, a sarcastic comment does wonders, taking revenge is childish and overrated, sometimes being a bitch is necessary, gossip takes my mind off things, letting go is the best decision I've ever taken.

Can't wait to turn 24!

Good news, somewhat

Three people have started following me. But what is surprising is that when I had written a flurry of posts, even my usual followers didn't read. But when I took my hiatus (make that; became lazy) I gained three new followers! *gasp*

I think the universe is trying to tell me something.

Also I have got an internship offer from a company that was the pioneer to search engines but has now gone into oblivion, slightly but is trying to revamp itself (good for you!) and attended an interview at a place I interned before. While the former is an internship, the latter is a full-time job. The former has it's office in a neighboring state and the latter is in Namma Chennai. Former is  new media, latter is print. And so on. But what I do know about the latter is how much they will be paying me, something I don't know about the former.

I have to pick one and it is difficult, or as the Twitter junta put it #tuffmatch. Or not.

Will the ground split into two and make the decision for me?

Oh and speaking of decisions, a certain someone accused me of never having taken a decision.

Old girl, new rage

You know what happens to rage when you suppress it for a while? It turns into utmost depression. Now I'm not blaming my friends who crib to me about how much their professional life sucks, in fact I'm ready to listen to problems and sympathize -- but that's all I can do. Sympathize, not empathize. And you know why? That's 'cause I have NO professional life. Nothing to do. And yes, I was supposed to join French classes but I'm worried about the timing. What if some sucker decides to employ me at the last minute? What will happen to my classes then? What about my plans to travel before I settle? I have to travel, I just have to. Alone. Or with a bunch of random people. But I want to, I have to. Every time some one tells me they've done nothing worthwhile in life, I take a look back into mine. What have I done that is so noteworthy, besides winning a couple of Bhagavad Gita competitions, memorizing the Aditya Hrudayam, Vishnu Sahasranamam and crushing on Rahul Dravid (even now)? Nada.

Let's face it.

My life has been quite disappointing to say the least. My stash of chocolates have also disappeared. Sigh.

Among other thoughts, salted ice cream

... that is how frozen yogurt tastes like.

Tomorrow marks a month of me being jobless, but who's keeping count, right? And BTW, jobless does not mean being bored in this context, when I say jobless, I mean it. No job, no work, nothing to do. Bored out of my mind. Want to smash some jam jars on the wall or anything else that's easily breakable. I need a change, after all that's what I live for.

It did happen, I'm not denying that. I just don't know how much of a change it is though. Last week (must.remember.date) happened in a flash (hope I'm not dreaming). I'm not going to explain how I "feel" about it, not here anyway.

You know these Hollywood films where they show a depressed man/woman (mostly the lead) lying down on the couch in their pajamas, hair unkempt and tousled, holding the television remote in on hand and Ben & Jerry's with a spoon on the other? Describes my state of being perfectly, except I'm not holding Ben & Jerry's. Kwality Wall's maybe. Well, who am I kidding. I have a controlled diet and I will.NOT.think.about.ice.creams. Hello, I go jogging every morning at 6, OK? OK.

As if things couldn't get worse, all my friends are employed and occupied. I'm not jealous, I'm NOT. Stop staring at me like that. How can they be busy when I'm trying so hard to find something to do. I've tried reading, sleeping, listening to music, watching TV (Cougar Town's finally hooked me), writing but that SIMPLY does not do it. Hmpf and people are just too busy to make time for me. Wait till I get a job and unleash the err... busy-ness back to them!

Anyway how long does defrosting yogurt take? I'm DAMN hungry. grrr.

So, to shake up things I'm not going to justify this post. How's that for a change, huh?

I need a life.

An update

We have to create a webpage for our thesis (as we aren't multimedia students). Nothing could be more boring, especially when all classes and the thesis viva is over. One week of enjoyment also not allowed. The only thing I'm looking forward to is going home and taking a break before I land a job.

To make my time in the lab seem more er.. "attractive" I'm listening to music. And I have noted that people stink even after they take a bath or two. Why can't they use something called a deodorant? And why can't they talk softly for the love of god!

Anyway, current earworm is "Yengae Yenathu Kavithai" from Kandukondein Kandukondein

And my favorite lines, for good reason that too!
paaRaiyil seydhadhu en manam enRu
thozhikku solliyirundhaen
paaRaiyin idukkil vaervitta kodiyaay
nee nenjil muLaiththuvittaay

A letter to Dr Singh

Dear Dr Manmohan Singh,

I have questions for you Dr. Manmohan Singh, and they’re coming thick and fast. But don’t worry; they’re only a meager three—nothing more, nothing less. I promise.

You’re just a bit short of being a wonderful prime minister. Make the ministers (sorry criminals who parade as ministers) accountable for what they’ve done (CWG scam, 2G scam) and I’ll agree you’re marvelous, if not wonderful.

Remember, you were the one who lost face after the scandals that India, not the actually tainted ones.

How can you allow someone like Anna Hazare to take the upper hand? As Ramachandra Guha fittingly writes in the Telegraph (Dec. 2011), “This last failure explains, among other things, the appeal of Anna Hazare, a man whose intellectual vision is as confined as Singh’s is large.” That Anna Hazare who has been compared to Mahatma Gandhi, how can you be so fearful of someone like him or your own government or should I say: Sonia Gandhi?

Agreed you did so well during the Indo-US nuclear deal, you asserted yourself and how! Then again, we might have surrendered ourselves to the US; a deal with the devil must be paid for.

Sometimes I think, and I’m sure many will agree with me on this, that you were a better finance minister than you were a prime minister; “father of financial reforms,” they call you. You welcomed foreign investment in India and opened up Indian economy. Before that you were the chief economic adviser, finance secretary, deputy chairman of the Planning Commission and Reserve Bank of India governor, where did all that go?

Agreed you’re the widely traveled Indian prime minister, after Nehru but why is it that you don’t travel more often within India? Yes, the world has its charms, but so does India. It’s important that you establish a rapport with Indians rather than George W. Bush who remarked that “the people of India love you.” Right now, I don’t think that’s the situation.

You’re known for being affable, a man of high integrity, and a decent man in Indian politics but at the same time you’re a social recluse, you keep to yourself and my number one pet peeve: why you don’t talk at all.

At best Sushma Swaraj sums it up for me: “Normally, our prime minister doesn’t talk, but when he does, then no one in his cabinet even listens to him.” It’s a big day for us when you decide to hold a press conference and address journalists.

Fine you have a Twitter account like Barack Obama or David Cameron, but addressing the nation when something big happens and holding criminals accountable and a once-in-a-while-friendly-chat would do. (In case if you didn’t know, there’s a parody of you called Dr Moneymohan Singh and he talks a lot!)

You really know you’re in danger and it’d do the nation good if you could answer my three questions. Rather, it’d do yourself good if you can answer those questions.

Yours sincerely,

A concerned citizen of India

----------------------

This was one of my op-ed assignments in college

Ah the distance

My blog looks like a ghost of my former self. I hardly recognise it anymore. For a person who *loves* writing and swears by it, I'm hardly following my passion. Or thats what I called it.

The parent is being transferred to Vatakara for three years. Kerala yet again. (Last time it was Thiruvananthapuram). Atleast he had his sister and uncle for company and more importantly, for food. Kerala being Kerala with all the strikes and bandhs cannot be depended upon for hotels to be open at all times. And Vatakara being a coastal place reeks of fish. Appa being vegetarian is feeling orey helpless. Cha I shall really miss him. 

We've never had the usual father-daughter relationship. It's more like a father-son relationship. But rest assured, I have always been able to discuss any topic with him, and I mean any!

Now whom will I discuss politics, cricket and food with? Fight with 24x7? From whom shall I grab the remote and hide it? Who will address me with silly nicknames and wake me up early in the morning? (make that try to wake me up) Who will irritate me with his antics? And give me valuable advice on how to eat mangoes (I, on the other hand, teach him how and when to eat oats).

I now feel guilty that I haven't spent enough time with him. Also now that I'll go back to pursuing my studies, hence putting me in a different city, I'll have less chances of interacting with him (when he does come to Chennai). Sure, we have phones and we can talk and all that (I'm really bad at phone calls, really. Barring a few I can't talk to most) but nothing beats talking in person and shouting at the top of our voices. 

Come back soon, appa.

(A website informs me that Vatakara is the land of Kalarippayattu. This is the land where warriors like Thacholi Othenan once lived. Hmm maybe appa can come back well versed in Kalarippayattu and kick-ass. Hiyeaaa! Oh wait, that's karate no?)

Mind games...

Memories have become a thing of the past. Every time I smell freshly grounded coffee, I'm reminded of my home. When I see cloudy days and the smell of rain hitting the muddy floor, special classes at school at 8 in the morning. The smell of strawberry essence reminds me of days in Mumbai where every meal would be vada pav and ice cream (and strawberry/raspberry would be available always!). Bright Saturday mornings remind me of my white-tiled bathroom (this, I have No clue why). Watching cricket takes me back to the days where I'd be the umpire to a game of street cricket and arguing with the children who used to go: "Akka give out akka pleeeeeeaaseeeeeeee" against "Akka you are fair to their team wonly akka, what akka?" 

When I go to my cousin's house I'm reminded of playing games such as 'tree-to-tree,' cricket, treasure hunt, hide and seek etc. Tree-to-tree in particular used to be the most popular one. My cousin's house compound is really huge with a lot of trees pretty close to each other. A catcher would be chosen and the rest are a group. The catcher points to one tree where the group would huddle and he'd point out to another tree which we have to touch in the form of a long chain. Usually the gap between the two trees have to be quite long, so that when a gap falls in the chain. Which means the chain is split into two. Therefore the first group runs, followed by the second group. While doing so the catcher catches a person or a group thereby making them out. This continues till everyone is out. And the game starts again. I seriously LOVE this game!

There was this time when my friend and I (sometimes joined by both our sisters), we go up to our terrace (hers or mine) and throw water bombs at unassuming people walking on our street and immediately duck, before they can spot us! I know, it sounds a bit mean but hey we were really young and we loved to see people get wet, get angry and look up to see no one at all and just walk by shaking their heads. There was this one person who tracked us and came to our terrace. We got scared and climbed up another ladder and hid in the water tank for some time. After 15 minutes or so we slowly climbed down, only to see him waiting for us. He severely reprimanded us and then left. I think we stopped after that, we started feeling sorry for the pedestrians I guess.

Van games used to be somewhat similar too! Only we used to throw paper and/or chalk at other vehicles. The riders used to yell at us and complain to the van driver who would yell at us on his part but that didn't exactly stop us!  

There was this library in my locality which my dad joined as soon as shifted. I found a friend and we started borrowing books almost everyday (during the holidays it used to be morning and evening!). Some books we never used to return and claimed that we did not borrow and that they made a wrong entry. We still have most of the books. They recently shut down and my friend and I still think it's because of us that they went into a loss and that they shut down. And every time we see the owner we run and hide, even now. 

I miss those days. I still secretly wish I could throw water bombs at innocent people. I just might.

There is something headily enticing about independence.

Now this blog title has been doing the rounds on my FB status, Twitter and Gtalk and finally arriving here. But of late this has been in my head. I do have the freedom to do things I want, but I always think twice (or more) before I do it. And there are constraints in the form of money, parents, job timings and all that. While its fun to be one kind of independent with a job, the money that comes with and the said freedom; I want a complete and total independence-the sort where you live alone and fend for yourself completely. Though it sounds a tad early, I'd like it all the same. I've got cousins and friends telling me that it's tough to live alone, the things you have to do for yourself, which gets irritating after a point. You start feeling homesick and miss home-cooked food terribly. You miss the familiar surroundings and sights. You miss everything and everyone. And the fact that you have to clean up after yourself. Yes, there are shortcomings, I agree. But look what independence has to offer, in a slightly different angle.

You travel to new places. A LOT. Meet new people, have new adventures, take lots of pictures, eat different varieties of food (okay not so much if you're a vegetarian, but hey it was worth a shot!) and do other fun things! Yes, you also have to pay the rent, buy groceries, cook for yourself, clean up and be responsible all over - but isn't that fun in a way too? To do everything by yourself and gain insights into the world at large. (sounds like a sermon now) But seriously its time I went independent. 

God put a smile upon your face

I've heard of people saying that they have their days. And their rough patches. 

My rough patches seem to last a long time. I feel invisible all the time. I listen, yes. I just want to be listened to. For a change I wanna talk too, you know! 

Also why don't people stick to a routine in certain things. I mean why do they have to confuse and confound. What joy do they derive? It throws off my mood, my balance. 

Only Coldplay is keeping me company during my time of invisibility. Maybe Chris Martin knows something about me. Hmmm.

Title inspiration: God put a smile upon your face (Coldplay)